Not
all's lost, just the moving guys
By MICHAEL MERSCHEL Staff Writer / The Dallas
Morning News
If you just arrived in the
Dallas-Fort Worth area, your mind is probably full of questions,
such as:
"Where is the moving van with all of my stuff?"
"What was I thinking,
trusting all of my possessions to five sweaty strangers
in gimme caps?"
"Is it possible for
my head to actually explode from stress?"
As someone who last went
through the moving process a decade ago, I would just like
to say, "Better you than me, sucker."
But at least you have company.
You will soon realize that most of the people around here
once moved from somewhere else. In fact, between Dallas
and the Red River, there are exactly six true natives left.
Five of them are hiding in closets, terrified that someone
is about to build a subdivision on them. (The sixth is a
developer.)
So we understand your pain.
And although we can't make that moving van arrive any faster,
we can share a few tips on how to figure out your new surroundings.
Never mind that some of us are still in the process of figuring
them out ourselves; there are just some things that everyone
who lives here needs to understand in order to stay sane,
relative to the general population.
Buy the Mapsco
I know what you're thinking: "Thirty-five bucks for
a map? And I can't even fit it in my glove box?" But
in a metro area that has no natural landmarks to help you
tell one suburb from the next, this atlas has the monopoly
on navigational shorthand.
Let's put it this way: When
your air conditioner goes out this month, it will be up
to you to tell the repair person how to find your house.
You can say, "Well, if you take Central to Spring Creek
– no, wait, I meant Spring Valley – and follow
the frontage road and then take the first light –
or is it the second? I forget with all the construction
– and then take your first right at the 'Y' in the
road, and ... hello?"
Or you can say, "I'm
at Mapsco 17G. See you in an hour."
Learn the rules of
the road There is really only one rule on Dallas-Fort Worth
roads: Get out of my way, and we'll get along fine. We aren't
reckless drivers, per se, but there is a general belief
that speed-limit signs are just recommendations, or some
sort of abstract art.
Of course, if the weather
is bad, you will see many people slowing down to close to
the speed limit. But that's only after they've run the red
light.
So learn to go with the flow.
Or take the train.
Do what the insects
say, and nobody will get hurt
I was originally going to offer advice on how to eliminate
roaches from your house. (It involves a can of Raid, a pointy-toed
boot and a small handgun.) Unfortunately, two of them just
broke down the front door, tied me up and threatened to
walk off with my refrigerator unless I changed the wording.
So let's hear it for our
insect friends! Can I have the TV back now, guys?
Make peace with the
Cowboys
No matter how little you used to care about the NFL, face
it: At some point, you will be sucked into a conversation
about football.
There is an easy way around
this. If the Cowboys are winning, say, "I don't care
what they say, that Jerry Jones is a genius, isn't he?"
If they are losing, say, "I don't care what he's done
in the past, Jerry Jones is as dumb as a goal post."
Either way, someone will
spend the next hour agreeing with you, and you won't have
to say a word.
Blame the dirt "Expansive clay soil" is the most lethal
substance known to home foundations. Concrete makes a more
fertile medium for lawns and gardens. And your entire neighborhood
is sitting on this stuff.
It is, luckily, an excellent
scapegoat. Because when your guests start wondering why
your walls are cracked, your doors won't close and your
yard has weeds the size of sequoias, you can just shrug
and say, "It's the expansive clay soil – everybody
has it!"
Call before you go
to the airport
D/FW Airport is called an "international" airport
because it covers more acreage than many nations. American
Airlines actually used to offer commuter flights between
Terminals "A" and "B." (You had to connect
through Chicago, but it was still faster than walking.)
So if you want to meet your
plane on time, always find out your gate before you head
out there. Unless you enjoy sprinting, that is.
Learn to shop and
eat like you mean it If you previously enjoyed "recreational activities"
such as hikes in the woods, or weekends at the sea, or just
sitting outside enjoying the climate – forget it.
Those days are OVER.
The good news is that you
have much more time to shop now. And you will need it. It
is a tradition in North Texas that every time a new resident
moves in, someone builds a mall in that person's honor.
So go find yours before all the good parking spaces are
taken.
After you shop, it's time
to eat. I suggest you start with either barbecue or Tex-Mex.
Why? Because if you thought people could get argumentative
about the Cowboys' play selection in third-down situations,
just wait until you hear them launch into a discussion of
sauce, or salsa. You need to be able to follow the conversation
just so you can explain to the authorities how the brawl
erupted.
This will also give you something
to do while you wait for the moving van. The driver hasn't
called yet, has he?
